It is finished. I am done. I am going to take care of myself and to recover. I’m already followed by psys for several months, but I always refused the cure, I didn’t want to see the reality. The reality is that I became a skeleton, a ghost. When my family and my old friends sees me they are in shock, they’re worried and their reaction hurts. Since I’ve lost weight nobody told me once that I was beautiful. No, I make people scared now. The doctor who received me to Sainte-Anne told me that he would refuse to help me to recover if I keep starving. And if I continue to lose weight, I would be hospitalized. I’ve lost at least 27 pounds, I weighed 125 lbs and now I weigh 99 lbs and my height is 5’5’’. I have a BMI of 16.5. And no more strength. I want to live. And I know that if I continue to lose weight I am going to die. I don’t have strength anymore to walk, when I go up stairs I am breathless. I am only 20 years old and I have the body of a 80-year-old woman. The more I continue to lose weight and the less I have strength to keep living, to get up in the morning, to do the things I like. I’ve lost 2 years of my life. 2 years when I had only one obsession: my weight. It was literally hell. I think of those nights when I didn’t manage to sleep because I haven’t eaten anything the whole day. I held hours without eating, minimum 24 hours and sometimes I held until 3 days without eating anything. I hadn’t even the strength to read, to watch a movie or even to concentrate. I stopped eating. And I stopped living. It was not spent one day when I didn’t hear Ana’s voice; who told me that I would always be too fat and never skinny enough and that the solution was to starve myself to death. But what that has me to bring? Nothing. Except sadness, pain and tiredness. I had a goal weight to reach: 99 lbs. That’s it. I weigh 99 lbs. Am I happier? No. It’s worse than before. All that I want it is to lose weight again and again. Reach 88 lbs. But I know that in 88 lbs I will have a BMI of 14.5. And I’ll risk to be never able to give birth later. My menstruations already stopped and I would not take anymore the risk of becoming sterile otherwise I would regret it all my life. That will never stop. It is an infernal circle where there is unfortunately no end. Unless we decide to stop. I thought that achieve this ideal weight would help me to be happy, but not at all. It is a number on a scale. It took time to myself before realizing that. What makes happiness is not a number on a scale, it’s these little things in life such as work out, study, go out with friends, have a walk. And all that is possible when we have some strength. And for have strength it is necessary to eat. Your body needs food to work normally and your brain also. I know that if I continue to lose weight I can say goodbye to my studies, in a few weeks I’m going to pass my driving test and it will be impossible if I don’t have enough strength. I don’t say that I am recovered but I’m going to do all my possible to be. I hope that one day I will find the happiness I’ve lost before all this changes me and that I could eat normal as before. Nobody deserves that. My body doesn’t deserve all I did. I mistreated it as I was mistreated. I punished it, I deprived it of food. When I was in high school, I’ve underwent a school bullying and it changed everything. I have already suffered enough and I don’t deserve to keep suffering. Nobody deserves to do that to its body. I believe that we can all be recovered if we really want to. I saw several doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists and they all told me the same thing, as if I continued I was going to die but before I’ll finish hospitalized with a feeding tube. I may have been followed but in fact I knew that the cure would come from me and it would come only if I accept to change. I was already hospitalized, I know how it is. And for nothing in the world I wish to be hospitalized again. It is to me that returns the choice. Live or die. Being free or being locked. Yes we all going to die, but nobody deserves to die like that. Starving ourselves to death, while we are young and we have so many beautiful things to live. I’m going to begin again to eat and I’m going to begin again to live. I know that it will not be easy and that it will take time, but I’m lucky enough to have my parents always there for me. I will make it through. I will overcome this voice in my head, the voice of Ana, the voice of anorexia. Then I say goodbye Ana. I do this for my future, I keep fighting to have one day a beautiful job and have a family. That’s not worth it I swear it will costs your life and your life is precious even if you don’t believe it for now. You hope to be happy when you will reach your goal weight but that will not make you happier. I missed so many things and today I just wish to make up for lost time. I wish you all to find this strength in you and not to let Ana’s voice destroy you. I believe in you. Everybody can recover. Everybody deserves to recover. Nobody deserves this life. You’re not only. And it’s never too late to ask for help. Tell it. Don’t stay in the secret. Tell it to a close friend, to your family or to a professional. And think of the future, your life doesn’t amount to lose pounds. You can do anything.
I will not post anymore or maybe things about recovery. I keep this account anyway and I will always be there to talk. Take care of you. Stay safe. Your life worth everything.THIS.
Goodbye Ana
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