opheli-ana:

okay so here’s the skinny;

( i honest to god didn’t even mean to make that pun but lololol we’re all starving so, whatever, have some morbid humor.)

here’s the skinny;

I’ve gotten quite a few replies, messages, asks, etc. talking about how great i look, how perfect i am, how my body is “literal goals”. i’m flattered. i’m honored. it’s everything i ever thought i wanted. the ana side of my brain is basking in the attention i have worked so hard for.

but i hate it.

i want to remind you of what you’re not seeing in the pictures…

i’ve had a terrible food anxiety day. one of the worst i’ve had in a long time. but i haven’t been able to stop eating, so for the first time in my life i got caught in an awful binge/purge cycle. i’ve been throwing up all day.

in the pictures, you see me in a cute swimsuit with a huge smile on my face.

• you don’t see the vomit and snot that was dripping out of my nose all day.
• you don’t see my red eyes with popped blood vessels.
• you can’t feel the throbbing headache or the fever that is telling me my body is finally trying to shut down. the disease is taking it’s toll.
• you can’t see me curled up on the couch, shivering and feeling like i’m legitimately dying because i’ve thrown up so much and taken so many laxatives because of how much i ate today.
• you can’t feel the nausea i’m feeling right now because i ate a small bowl of cereal and half a steak sandwich in order to get my electrolytes balanced again. nauseous because, in only one day of obsessively purging, it’s already become second nature to try to empty my stomach as soon as i nourish it.
• you can’t feel the pain in my throat that comes from shoving fingers with ragged, broken, malnourished nails down my esophagus- which only gets eroded further by the harmful acids that i forced up out of my body time after time today.
• you don’t see the hair that falls out of my head every damn time i run my fingers through it.
• you can’t feel the restless pain in my muscles caused by dehydration and malnutrition that is keeping me from sleep

there are a thousand more things you’re not seeing when you look at pictures of me. it’s not worth it. recover. i am SICK. i am seriously fucked up in the head. it’s not okay. it’s killing me. try to recover.

i called a residential ED clinic in my hometown today. i’m tired of this. they’re admitting me as soon as i get home from the beach. i’m scared. i’m terrified of gaining weight. of facing the true cause of this disorder. of what my life will look like without the security of starving. of everything recovery means.

i’m scared. but most of all i’m tired of being sick. i want my life back.

i’m telling you all of this because i love you all and i want you all to be okay. if this post causes ONE person to even briefly consider TRYING to recover, then it will have been worth it.

i love you. stay safe.

for the love of god please stay safe. if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me.

p.s., even if you’re not ready for recovery please reblog this. someone who follows you may see it and consider trying to get healthy. please.