I lost one of my closest friends. She was basically my sister. Yet you don’t really give a fuck because “I never really liked her anyway”. Oh wow really? Didn’t really like her huh? Well guess what, I fucking did. She is my sister and I am hurting. But I guess it doesn’t matter, you don’t really care so why should I.
I want to cut my arms and thighs and just,,, not think about anything. I don’t feel good enough; grades aren’t good enough, not skinny enough, not good enough at anything, heck I don’t even feel like I’m “sick” enough or “bad” enough. I dont even feel like I hurt myself “bad” enough. I’m so fucking tried and done with this bullshit. I don’t want to say it but I’m hurting, and although it’s hurting me, I don’t want to hurt you. This is just how it is I guess, I’m hurting myself trying to protect you.
DATE: 30/03/2019
Heya guys! It’s been a while since I last updated. I’m not doing so good atm, kinda falling apart but I’m coping so that’s good. I have a boyfriend now (been dating 2 and a bit months) and that’s going good 🙂 Still tired all the time and I’m seriously off track,,, I’m gonna make a plan this weekend and then back on top of everything.
DATE: 24/02/2019
I really want to self harm so bad right now. I just, really feel the need to ruin my body and “paint red lines with silver brushes”. I’m so tired and done. Bottling everything is making me fall apart and shatter
I’m falling apart: school grades are okay? I think? Classes are so tiring and I’m so done with the people in them. I just want to be alone. I’m slowly losing interest in friends, I just want to take a break and be alone. I’ve been eating too much lately but it’s okay, I’ve actually lost (0.3kg) so that’s good. I’m tried all the damn time, I just wanna sleep for like, 2 weeks. I’m getting back on track, hoping to take more dance on so thats good. I feel I can’t say anything to my friends so I guess it’s another classic case of bottling shit up
Thanks you guys, we may not interact that much but I really appreciate all of you💘💘
I feel like absolute shit. I’ve eaten wayy too much the past few days (1200+). I want to strave/restrict and cut so badly. I’m so done with being fat, with looking like this. I have dance and aths but no one sees my hips. Idek anymore, I feel so alone and tried and done. No one wants or needs me and i can see why. I’m just so done
DATE: 31/01/18 Thursday
Hey guys, sorry it’s been a while, I’ve had a very hectic month. Shearing is finally over and I go back to school on monday (040218). I’ve been super off track lately which has honestly been rough. Things aren’t bad but they’re not stable/good either so… eh. Idek if I’m okay, I just relapsed into self harm (was clean 13 days) and i feel I’m relapsing into my ed as well so,, y e e t. Anyway, I’ll fix my shit before school, its around 3.5 months til dinner dance and that’s the deadline to be 46kg. Peace out guys
Silence is both freeing and overwhelming. On one hand it halts the thoughts and voices, freeing my mind from the pain, for even just a moment. It makes me feel alive and reminds me to let everything go and to simply breathe. On the other hand, it coarses through my veins and floods my system; drowning my mind while my body stays afloat. A tornado of destructive thoughts moves on a direct path towards me, however, I do not move or run away. I simply allow my body to float and my mind to be free. And as I close my eyes and let the silence consume me, a final thought crosses my mind: the silence and darkness will always be there, but maybe one day, the light will appear too
~a poem by me // 02/11/2018
So I’m meeting with a friend tomorrow, whom of which I haven’t seen for a year. One of my immediate thoughts was “wow, i haven’t changed much in the past year. I’m still fat”. Then I realized how long I’ve been like this (like end of 2017 to now) and its just, upsetting. And I realized he doesn’t know about my self harm or depression or disordered eating and just ahh. I have mixed emotions but also feeling numb at the same time
❗❗TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM AND SELF HATE❗❗
Right so umm,,, I’m not okay. I’m just done with being fat and disgusting and a pig. I’m done being a bloody horrible dancer. I’m done being the fat / ugly / unwanted friend. I’m just done, 100%. I constantly feel anxious and like I’m annoying those around me. Self harm and cutting is always on my mind, but no one wants a girl who cuts her pain away.
They are perfect and amazing and incredible and I’d date them in a heartbeat. But they’re not ready and I gotta respect that. Still, there’s moments where I wish they were mine and that I could show them how much they nean to me. Then I’m reminded how alone I am and I try not to think about it.
Thing is, you asked how I was and I responded “I’m good thanks”, so I must be good, right? Just tired and done, wanting to sleep for a week
pain-lies-inside 