If I stopped talking to people first, I doubt they’d talk at all

To dad:

Thanks for moving your arms towards me to scare me and laughing when I flinch. Thanks for laughing when I said “don’t touch me” and simply moving your arm closer while saying “I’m not touching you”. 10/10 jokes, love it, im glad me being uncomfortable is funny to you🙃

TW

Random thought: Last year I seeked help from my school for possible depression and self harm. I saw a therapist 2 – 3 times before Christmas holidays. Since then I haven’t seen the therapist again and the school no longer talks about it to me. I’m half glad, half upset they dropped it. Like, now I can continue self destructive in peace but perhaps I’m not worth helping? Like, I just feel like no one cares

She thinks I’m getting better. I’m not I’m really not. I’m slipping back into bad habits

Trigger warning

I can’t stop thinking about what a friend said “horizontal for attention. Vertical for results”. I know she was joking, I know she’s not serious but for some reason I can’t help but think “am I attention seeking? I only cut horizontal” I know that’s not true but her words flash through my mind

Trigger warning🍃

It’s kinda weird being half suicidal ? (I dont know what to call it) Like I think about suicide and how/when I could do it. But the weird thing is, I don’t actually want to kms. Like, I do but I kinda just want to stop existing for a bit then maybe come back ? Honestly I have no idea anymore

This is exactly why i dont tell people my problems. I am not a child, i understand my actions. I know things aren’t always “rosey”. I don’t want to be treated like a child in trouble. I understand the situation but i will shield myself first and for most; i will not be hurt

Trigger warning??

I self harm, have disordered eating, probably have depression of some sort, kinda been abused and am generally unhappy with myself. I’ve told people but not everything. I have thoughts of suicide, I have thought of people’s reactions and when/how I could do it. I have thought that maybe the world would be better without me, that I deserve to leave and the pain that comes with it. There’s no reason to worry about me but in a sick and disgusting way, I kinda want there to be?? God, I’m kinda fucked up🙃🙃

So I’m cleaning my room tomorrow and I’m scared. It’s a huge task and i dont think i can do it. I dont know if I can let things go. I dont know whats in my room. I’m so emotionally attached to things, what if i can’t let things go? What if I keep everything and dont get rid of anything? Keep things I don’t need? I’ll get annoyed and frustrated and I’ll get mad at people and myself and…. I’m so scared, i dont want to hurt anyone but as always, I’ll fuck things up

I’m constantly in the mood of “I want to die but I don’t want to kms, I just kinda want to stop existing for a bit”