Everyone mentions the same things when they talk about self-harm. This is what I wish someone told me about self-harm before I fell into it’s tight gripping claws.
1) It’s not only the cuts/bruises/burns/scratches that you have to hide. You have to hide the bloodied tissues, the used plasters, the plaster sticker and the thing you used to harm.
2) When you shower the dried blood drips out of your plaster and down your body creating little dark red, almost brown, coloured streams. It scares you at first because you think it’s opened again.
3) It becomes an addiction. It becomes the only thing that helps.
4) It eventually doesn’t help anymore but you keep doing it in the hope it will.
5) Your body will scar and at first you will like it but eventually you get sick looking at them.
6) On a bad day, you run out of space.
7) Your plasters will soak through your jeans or top after a shower and make an obvious square patch.
8) They start to smell bad if not looked after.
9) You constantly think about them.
10) Your sleep will hurt and every move you make will too when they are fresh. You act like you like it. You don’t.
11) People will never take it serious enough.
12) They itch like mad whilst they heal.
13) You eventually get frustrated if it has no effect.
14) You don’t cry when you do it. You feel nothing. Not. A. Thing.
15) It’s so so so hard to escape it.
16) It isn’t beautiful. It isn’t a fairy tale. It won’t help you find love. It is a monster that ruins lives.
Please think of all these things before you hurt yourself. You don’t want to. I sound like a hypocrite because I do but trust me, you don’t want to fall down the dark hole that me and many other people are already in. Put down your fist, blade, lighter, cut your nail short and get help.
I would also like to enclose that I am getting help for mine right now. As of yesterday I am in recovery and want to try and help others from making the same mistake as me. It is never just 1 cut/bruise/scratch/burn. It escalates until you lose control.
At first glance, it wouldn’t seem that I,
Yes me,
Have an eating disorder.
I do not look anorexic.
I look healthy.
My weight is normal,
My BMI,
(That dastardly high body mass index)
Is considered normal.
You cannot see my bones protrude,
(Yet)
You cannot see my sallow cheeks,
(Yet)
You cannot see my deathly wrists,
(Yet)
You cannot my angel winged shoulder blades,
(Yet)
But, if you look close enough,
You can see my malnourished dark circles,
You can see the way I despise my plate,
You can see the way I claw at my skin,
You can see my coffee is black,
You can see me start to shrink.
At first glance, it wouldn’t seem that I,
Yes me,
Cut open my left wrist and my right thigh.
I do not look that “sad”
I look happy.
My smile shines through a crowd,
My demeanor,
(That faithful mask I wear in public)
Is happy and pleasant.
You cannot see my scars,
(They are hidden)
You cannot see my tears,
(They are hidden)
You cannot see the thin lines I draw,
(They are hidden)
You cannot see the pains inside me,
(They are hidden)
But, if you look close enough,
You can see I always cover my left wrist and my right thigh,
You can see I am never naked around others,
You can see the way I flinch whenever self harm is mentioned,
You can see my faraway eyes,
You can see me hate myself.
pain-lies-inside 